Writing with Depression

Dezy Shae
Jan 19, 2017
3 min read

"We're gonna hit low lows, but we've always got tomorrow. Don't look back, look forward. Trust me."

I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety for three, going on four years. It's anything but a bubble bath. Sometimes it goes away for a while you don't even think about it. Sometimes it jumps down your throat before you know it.

Writing when I have so much going on in my head makes me have better material.

In my stories that I write, someone always dies. I don't know I have to kill a beloved character but I do. That probably comes from a lot of sad thoughts in my head. I'm currently writing a whole story based around my illness and the people that have affected my life for the better and the worst. Every character in it is based on a real person in my life who made a huge impact. Even a lot of the side characters that you just hear about here and there. A lot of it also comes from real experiences. If I'm even slightly upset about something, I can fly through ten pages in an hour. The content itself isn't always negative either. It can be happy, or sad, or a fight can be breaking out. I spent a year writing forty pages about a death of a friend and during that year, I had a ton of ups and downs.

"Cast your net, cast it out, and I hope to God you'll scream and shout it's everything you've wanted, maybe more."

I love writing what I want to write about. I always hated papers in school unless it was something I was passionate about. Writing while dealing with depression helps me get rid of a lot of thoughts and questions that go through my head.

"Will I pass my test tomorrow at school?"

"Will I be able to get a companion animal soon?"

"Did that boy really ever love me?"

"I should study for that test but I'd rather play Five Nights at Freddy's."

"I hope Alaska wins on RuPaul's Drag Race."

Living by yourself, you have a lot of free time on your hands. Sitting on my computer is one of the things I do most frequently. Sometimes, I'll type out a whole paragraph or two, just to delete it. It blows off a lot of steam even writing down or typing in Microsoft Word about what's going on in life. Then, you delete it. It keeps it off social media and causing drama and hoping for a pity party. I can write just about anything, going from a short story to something I hope to one day turn into a novel.

When I have those dark thoughts in my head, I remember song lyrics. Sometimes I'll incorporate the theme of those lyrics into whatever I'm writing or I'll just write the whole song out. People always ask me why I write down lyrics-- part of it is for memorization, the other part is because that's what I'm feeling. Music has saved my life in more than one occasion. The lyrics play an important part in that.

"Maybe it's time to tame the monsters inside of this wild, wild world we live in."

One thing to remember while going through depression is that you're not the only one dealing with it in the world. The world is messed up majorly. I write down Set It Off lyrics the most because they're the band that means the most to me. Clearly, I mean... I have many tattoos devoted to them. They are the reason I'm still breathing. Sometimes writing some kind of lyrics down that are inspiring for someone else who is having a hard time can make you feel better. You feel better knowing you helped another person feel better.

My mom always questions me about why I listen to sad songs while I'm sad. Simple. Because there are people in the world that have felt the exact way I do in that moment. There are always going to be people. Every notebook I've ever had has some kind of writing in it that's not related to what it was supposed to be used for. There's either song lyrics or parts of stories that I think up and go home and type them out. It just helps my brain keep going.

Depression feels like drowning and everyone around you is still breathing. Writing is something that keeps my head above the water.

Always remember that you are loved. Find something that keeps your mind away from that negativity that's trying to seep in and haunt you. And always remember that a frown can be turned upside down.